


Final Fantasy Love Cruise

by GokuGirl



Category: Final Fantasy VIII
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Humor, Out of Character, Parody, Romance, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2001-08-26
Updated: 2001-09-27
Packaged: 2018-04-10 23:19:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4411787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GokuGirl/pseuds/GokuGirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when fourteen people plus Laguna, Kiros, and Ward go aboard a ship for a game show? Utter chaos.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Getting Settled

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Big Brother Darunia](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/131510) by Galaxy Girl. 



> "Big Brother Darunia" is a Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time fanfic.
> 
>  **Notes:** Takes place a year from the defeat of Ultimecia. Everyone's eighteen except four people who are older.
> 
>  **Warnings:** Stupid humor, OCCness, and Rinoa bashing. Don't complain when you read this and it isn't even funny. You have been warned.

**Commercial:**

(Squall, Rinoa, Zell, and Selphie are sitting at a table in the cafeteria eating a bowl of cereal. Suddenly a large potted plant begins to move across the room when Zell looked over it stopped.)

Zell: Do you guys see that?

Selphie: (looking) See what? All I see is a plant.

Zell: That's my point! It wasn't there a few minutes ago!

Rinoa: Zell, calm down. You're seeing things.

Zell: I guess...

(As soon as they go back to eating breakfast, the plant begins to move again until it's right next to the table. Zell looks up from his bowl and falls out of his chair in surprise.)

Zell: That plant's moving! I swear it!

Squall: That's it, you're going to see Dr. Kadowaki. I don't want an insane person on my team.

(Zell didn't answer but suddenly a hand shot out of the large plant and snatched the box of cereal! Rinoa and Selphie jumped away but Squall just casually reached over hit the hand with his fist. The box falls back onto the table.)

Squall: (huge fake smile) Silly Seifer! SeeD Crunchies are only for SeeDs!

Seifer: (sticking his head out of his plant) Rinoa's not a SeeD.

Squall: Fine then. Silly Seifer! SeeD Crunchies are for everyone *but* you!

Seifer: Aw nuts!

 

**Now on to the show:**

(A large white ship named the S.S. Ragnarok is docked at Balamb Harbor. Hundreds of people from all over have turned out to bid farewell to the fourteen contestants. Laguna has a microphone and is standing next to the gangplank while Ward has a television camera and Kiros a clipboard. The contestants are in line, waiting to board the ship.)

Laguna: Hello and welcome to the first ever episode of Love Cruise! I'm your host, Laguna Loire, and these are my helpers Kiros and Ward. Fourteen contestants qualify for our game show and only four are coupled up. They get to spend at least five wonderful weeks out there on the ocean and I will be their link to the outside world. Who do you think will be coupled at the end of our show? Will it be the already established relationship of Squall and Rinoa or Edea and Cid? How about a brand new couple? Right now we get to interview the contestants as they get on the ship.

Squall: (walking up to him) I have nothing to say.

Laguna: But son, aren't you happy about all of this? I mean, this ship is worth a fortune!

Squall: Rinoa forced me onto this idiotic game show. I could be back at Garden practicing my gunblade or ordering people around. I don't have time for this. (he glares at Laguna) And don't call me son.

Laguna: Okay.... Rinoa, what about you?

Rinoa: I am so psyched! This is gonna be so great!

Laguna: What do you look forward to the most?

Rinoa: Swimming in that huge pool this ship is supposed to have. I bought a brand-new string bikini and thong combination just for the occasion. (she begins to pull her shirt of her head) Do you wanna see it?

Laguna: Uh, no. That's okay. Moving on... What about you, Quistis?

Quistis: (smiling) This is a great way to relax. Ever since I got my teacher's license back those kids have been driving me insane! Besides, this is a great way to get a man.

Laguna: Sure it is. What do you look forward to the most Zell?

Zell: That girl from the library is *so* hot! Coming on this show gives me the time to make my move.

Laguna: Oh? What's her name, Zell?

Zell: Um, I have no idea. But that's one of the things I'm gonna find out!

Laguna: (shaking his head at his stupidity) Go on aboard Zell, before you hurt yourself.

(Suddenly there were two loud whistle blasts and the ship began to move forward slowly. The rest of the contestants ran up the gangplank and jumped aboard the boat. Laguna stood in his spot, completely dumbfounded for a moment, and then he and his crew grabbed their equipment and made it aboard just in time.)

Laguna: That damn captain! I told him to leave at noon!

Kiros: Laguna, it's five after noon. He gave you extra time.

Ward: ...

Laguna: My interviews took too long? Hmm. I didn't even get to everyone. (he grabbed one of the people passing him on the deck and shoved his microphone into their face) Comment for the show?

Irvine: Sure. I just want to say hi to all the sexy ladies and tell them that I'm one of the famous Sorceress Killers from the year before.

(Laguna moves the mike away, shaking his head.)

Laguna: I need to find someone with *interesting* comments.

Irvine: (shouting and trying to get onto the film) I go to Balamb Garden! I'm Squall Leonhart's best-friend!

Squall: Whatever.

Rinoa: Hi Seifer! I didn't know you were going to be here.

Seifer: I was at the dock just like you were.

Rinoa: But still...

Seifer: We were at the same final interview!

Rinoa: I still didn't know. I thought you worked for them or something.

Seifer: Argh! (walking off in frustration towards the buffet)

Quistis: (walking up to Squall and forcing Rinoa out of the way) You know, Squall, this is a very nice ship.

Squall: ...

Quistis: I could... show you around it.

Squall: (blinking) Why?

Quistis: (can't believe he doesn't get it) Are you serious?!

Squall: Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be?

(Quistis stares at him a little while longer and joins Seifer at the buffet muttering 'dense idiot' underneath her breath. Rinoa stuck out her tongue at the Instructor's back and grabbed Squall's arm.)

Rinoa: Do you want to go to our room?

Squall: Rinoa, it's the middle of the day. I'm not tired.

Rinoa: (trying to wink but blinks instead) We don't have to sleep. There are plenty of other things to do, if you know what I mean.

Squall: No, I don't. Rinoa, why are you doing that? Do you have something in your eyes?

(Rinoa is now fed up with Squall and walks over to Seifer and begins to flirt. Squall is left on the deck by himself. Edea and Cid walks by hand-in-hand and stops next to Squall at the rail to gaze out onto the water.)

Edea: Cid dear, isn't this just a wonderful day?

Cid: It sure is, honey pot.

Squall: Do you two have to do that here?

Edea: Do what, Squall?

Squall: Be all sappy and lovey-dovey.

Cid: (rolling his eyes) This show's called The Love Cruise. Didn't you know that?

Squall: (eyes wide) No! I have to speak with Rinoa! (he took off for the buffet)

Edea: That Squall. He isn't too observant, is he?

Cid: Nope.

  
(Scene: the All-You-Can-Eat Buffet. Seifer just got his plate full and is about to sit down. Rinoa runs over to him and takes the seat across from him.)

Rinoa: Hi Seifer. You're looking well.

Seifer: Yeah? So?

Rinoa: (giggling) Oh Seifer! You're so funny!

(Raijin and Fujin sit down in the two remaining chairs. Fujin takes one look at the still giggling Rinoa and twirl her finger around the side of her head.)

Fujin: RINOA. INSANE.

Raijin: Naw. Just silly, ya know?

Seifer: No, I don't know and I don't wish to know.

(Meanwhile at the hotdog section of the buffet, Zell is piling them on his plate. The girl from the library walks up to him and smiles.)

GFL: Hi Zell.

Zell: (stuffing hot dogs into his mouth) HM.

GFL: Can I talk to you over there at that table? I want to ask you something.

Zell: (tries to swallow but of course he begins to choke) MMPH! MMPH!

GFL: (panicking) What's wrong?!

(Quistis and Selphie run over and pound him on the back.)

Quistis: (administering the Heimlich) Goddess, Zell! The same exact thing happened at the celebration party last year! (a large chunk of hotdog flew out of his mouth and hit the wall behind the girl from the library's head)

GFL: (completely disgusted) I was going to give you another chance, but forget it.

Zell: Wait, um Girl! Wait! (He runs after her and trips next to Seifer's table. Everyone in the room starts laughing at him and he blushes.)

GFL: (turning around) You are such a loser!

Zell: (pounding the ground with his fists) Aw man!

Seifer: (pushes his plate away and stands up over Zell) When I get your girl, Chicken-Wuss, she'll know what a real man is like.

Zell: (growling) Don't you dare try to pick her up Seifer!

Seifer: (smirking as he follows GFL from the buffet) Just watch me.

  
(It's an hour later and everyone is by the pool. Rinoa is in her tiny, barely there white bikini and is trying to get Squall to rub suntan lotion on her back.)

Rinoa: (pouting) You don't want me to get a sunburn on my back, now do you?

Squall: (reading his Gunblade Magazine and not even listening) Have you seen the newest gunblade model? I could turn Seifer into cold-cuts with this!

Rinoa: (now whining) SQUALL!

(Nida walks up shyly to Rinoa and sits on the edge of her chaise lounge.)

Nida: I'll do it for you, Rinoa. If you'll let me.

Rinoa: (now royally pissed off at Squall) Sure Nida, why not?

Squall: (looking over at them) I didn't know you were on this show, Nida.

Nida: Yes, Commander. I wanted to take a break from piloting the garden.

(Squall nods absently and gets back to his magazine. Seifer, in brightly printed swim trunks, does a cannon ball from the diving board. The water splashes directly onto Squall, his magazine, Rinoa, and Nida.)

Squall: (jumping to his feet) You bastard!

Seifer: (coming to the surface and smirking) Did I do that? Oops.

Squall: (dropping his wet magazine into his chair and putting on his nose clip, his goggles, and his swimming cap) I'm going to get you back for that. (he jumps into the water and dunks Seifer)

(Laguna comes and takes Squall's vacated chair but not after he throws his magazine into a nearby trash can)

Laguna: (sticking his mike into her face) What is going on between you and Squall?

Rinoa: (smiling sweetly) Well I- (remembers Nida and shoves him away) Go somewhere else for a while, alright? Laguna and I have business to attend to.

(Nida looks disappointed but he soon spots Quistis tanning herself on the other side of the pool.)

Rinoa: I love Squall. In fact I want to have his children. The thing is the boy is extremely dense. I keep coming on to him, trying to get him in bed but he either doesn't understand or ignores me completely!

Laguna: Does Squall even want to be with you?

Rinoa: Of course he does! (she moves her hands to display her "features") Who wouldn't? If I were a man, I would want to be with me.

Laguna: Uh, sure you would.

Rinoa: My newest plan is to make Squall jealous enough to make a move. So therefore I'm going to flirt with anything male on this boat.

Laguna: Wouldn't that make people think you were a slut?

Rinoa: (rolling her eyes) Do I look like a slut to you?

Laguna: Um...

Rinoa: Nevermind, don't answer that. If Squall doesn't eventually realize how wonderful a girlfriend I am, then I'm going to seduce Seifer. We were an item once, you know, we can be one again.

Laguna: Would you mind if I asked you to tell everyone why you and Seifer broke up? Many people have been wondering about that.

Rinoa: It's like this: Seifer may be all talk but when it came down to it, he wouldn't sleep with me.

Laguna: Uh huh. Go on.

Rinoa: He said all this crap about waiting for marriage and finding the right woman. I'm the perfect woman for him! We're soulmates!

Laguna: Obviously not since you two are no longer dating.

Rinoa: That's a small deal. See, Squall and I are soulmates too. Now if only I can get him in the sack...

Laguna: (tired of listening to her bring that up) Have you ever seen a therapist before?

Rinoa: No, why? Do you think I'm insane or something?

Laguna: No but I think you're obsessed with sex. They call you nymphomaniacs.

Rinoa: I'm not obsessed. I just think that you should have it every day.

Laguna: (walking off towards Quistis) Yeah, sure.

Rinoa: (shouting after him) It's true!

  
(Quistis is sunning herself on a beach blanket, far enough away from the water that she's not getting splashed. She has on an extremely conservative one piece navy swimsuit and black sunglasses. Laguna kneels next to her and she looks up.)

Laguna: Do you mind answering a few questions?

Quistis: (smiling at him) Not at all.

Laguna: Who are you trying to hook up with on this cruise?

Quistis: (looking around then lowering her voice) Squall, of course.

Laguna: What is it about him?

Quistis: (sitting up on her elbows) What do you mean 'what is it about him'?

Laguna: I mean Rinoa was just telling me about how she wanted to have his children...

(Before he could barely get the words out of his mouth, Quistis jumped to her feet and headed over to where Rinoa was still lying on her stomach.)

Quistis: (yelling) You little slut!

Rinoa: (jumping to her feet) What do you mean? What the hell are you talking about?!

Irvine: (running over) Ooh! Chick fight! I got ten gil on Quistis!

Seifer: I got ten gil on Quistis too!

Rinoa: What about me? Who's going to bet on me? SQUALL!

Squall: (rolling his eyes) Fine. I bet three gil on Rinoa.

(Quistis lunged at Rinoa and grabbed her by the hair. Rinoa tried to claw the other girl but Quistis knees her in the stomach. The blond girl jumps back and eyes Rinoa warily.)

Quistis: Aren't you going to use your sorceress powers on me? Ha! I bet you don't even know how.

Rinoa: (wheezing) I...do...too!

Seifer: Prove it, Rinoa. Set Quistis' hair on fire.

Quistis: Yeah Rinoa! Set my hair on fire!

(Rinoa's face scrunches up as she tries to concentrate, suddenly a small flame appears on one finger and when she tries to throw it at Quistis but it ran up her arm and set her bikini top on fire. She shrieks and jumps into the pool.)

Seifer: You owe both me and the cowboy ten gil Puberty Boy.

Squall: (grumbling) Rinoa! This is coming out of your vacation fund!

Rinoa: (moaning) Ugh...

  
Laguna: All of our contestants are relaxing after a wonderful meal in the restaurant. In this lounge it's karaoke night and various people will get on the stage to ruin wonderful songs. First up is Zell Dincht.

(To the tune of Britney Spears' "Oops I Did it Again")

Zell: Oops! I did it again!  
I choked on my meal!  
Made you run away!  
Oh Girl, oh Girl!

Oops I think I'm in love!  
You were sent from above!  
You are that innocent!

(The audience begins to boo very loudly. Zell blushes and leaves the stage. Quistis goes next.)

Quistis: This is for a special man out there in the audience. I love you.

Irvine: (shouting) I love you too!

(Lauryn Hill's "Can't Take My Eyes Off You")

Quistis: (singing sort of badly) You're just too good to be true  
Can't take my eyes off of you  
You'd be like heaven to touch  
I wanna hold you so much  
At long last love has arrived  
I thank God I'm alive  
You're just too good to be true  
Can't take my eyes off of you.

Seifer: Stop it! You're murdering a really good song! BOO!

Rinoa: (enthusiastically) BOO! BOO! Sit down!

Squall: (joining them but trying to hide it) BOO!

(She sits down in embarrassment and Rinoa runs up there.)

Rinoa: This is for Squll! You're my one true love baby!

Squall: (slouching in his chair) Goddess did she have to say it like that?

(To the tune of R. Kelly's "Half On A Baby")

Rinoa: (even worse than Quistis) I wanna go half on your baby!  
All I need is your body next to me!  
I'm singin' ooh! Na na na na na. Yo body... Yo body na na na.

Seifer: (during her performance) What are you going to name the little rugrats, Puberty Boy?

Squall: (blushing slightly) Shut up Seifer. I'm not having children with Rinoa.

Seifer: Then who? Instructor Trepe? Messenger Girl? (he begins to snicker) Fujin?

Squall: (shaking his head until he got to the last name) NO!!

Rinoa: (wailing now) I WANNA GO HALF ON YOUR BABY! Squall! You better be listening!

Squall: (completely out of character) STOP! PLEASE! No one can take it anymore!

Rinoa: (stopping) Well, maybe you can't love me for my singing. That's okay, I have plenty of other things that's good about me.

(Edea sort of shyly approached the stage and took the microphone when Rinoa sat down.)

Edea: I'm not dedicating this to anyone. I just want to sing the song.

(Diana Ross' "I Will Survive")

Edea: (very good singer) First I was afraid, I was petrified  
Kept thinkin' I could never live without you by my side  
Then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong  
And I grew strong  
And I learned how to get along

(When the music speeds up she takes the mike from its stand and began to dance around the small stage. Everyone begins to clap along.)

And so you're back! From outer space!  
I just walked in to find you here, with that sad look upon your face!  
I should have changed that stupid lock  
I should have made you leave your key  
If I had known for one second that you'd be back to bother me

Go on now, go -- walk out the door  
Just turn around now  
Cause you're not welcome anymore  
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye  
Did you think I'd crumble?  
Did you think I'd lay down and die?

(Everyone joins in.)

Oh no not I! I will survive!  
For as long as I know how to love, I'll know I'll stay alive  
I've got all my life to life  
And I've got all my love to give  
I'll survive.  
I will survive.  
Hey, hey!

(Everyone begins to clap and whistle and Edea gets a standing ovation.)

Edea: (smiling happily) Thank you, thank you.

  
(Scene: The cabins. Everyone is just about to head to their cabins for the night. Squall and Rinoa are sharing, Fujin and Raijin are sharing, Edea and Cid are sharing, Xu and Nida are sharing, Ward and Kiros are sharing, Irvine and Selphie are sharing, Quistis is stuck with Zell, the girl from the library is stuck with Seifer, and Laguna has a private room. There are four cabins on one side of the hall and four on the other. Laguna's is in another section.)

Rinoa: (fake yawning) I'm so tired! Are you ready to go to bed, Squall?

Squall: (mumbling and half listening) Just a minute... (he places down another card and flips over two of Xu's therefore winning the game)

Rinoa: Are you going to play Triple Triad all night?

Squall: (blinking as if coming out of a trance) This isn't Triple Triad, it's Tetra Master. You know that new collectable card came that *looks* like Triple Triad but isn't?

Rinoa: I don't even care.

Xu: So are you going to keep playing cards with me or go screw Rinoa?

Squall: Define 'screw'.

Xu: Screw as in 'sleep with'. You know that's what she's been trying to do with you this whole entire day. The flirting, the song dedication...

Squall: Really? I just thought she was really, really tired.

Rinoa: Hello! I'm still here!

Squall: (sighing) That you are. Look Rinoa, I don't want to have your children. I'm eighteen for Goddess' sake! I haven't even begun to plan my future. I just thought I'll be doing the same exact thing that I'm doing now.

Rinoa: (sarcastically) Playing a card game?

Squall: (as if speaking to an idiot) No, Rinoa. Being the Commander of Balamb Garden. The job pays very well.

Rinoa: (in a warning tone) I'll go and hook up with Seifer...

Squall: (hopeful) Really? You promise?

Rinoa: (stomping off down the hall) ARGH!

Squall: (shouting after her) Make sure you tell Seifer I said hi!

  
(Scene: Laguna's cabin where he has set up a small studio. Kiros is in his room off screen while Ward is filming it.)

Laguna: And so ends the first day for our contestants. Who will be in a relationship when the show ends? Make your guess in the review box below. And remember:

All (Ward's *thinking* it...): There's a thin line between love and an ass whoopin'!

Laguna: See ya later!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final Fantasy VIII belongs to Squaresoft.  
>  Love Cruise: The Maiden Voyage belongs to whoever produced it.  
>  "Oops I Did it Again" is copyright Britney Spears.  
>  "Can't Take My Eyes Off You" is copyright Lauryn Hill.  
>  "I Will Survive" is copyright Diana Ross.


	2. Squall's Drunken Misadventure

**Commercial:**

(Scene: Zell is sitting on a bench at a bustop and begins to talk to the people waiting there with him.)

Zell: (dully and in a southern accent) Hi. My name is Zell, Zell Dincht.

Woman On Right: (nodding) Hi Zell.

Zell: My Ma always told me life was like a carton of milk. When you open it you never know if it's rancid or not.

Woman: (nodding) Um, wise woman.

Zell: I used to be a SeeD at Balamb Garden back when Sorceress Ultimecia tried to rule the world, I helped save it.

Man On Left: (sarcastic) I'm sure you did. (Before Zell can answer the bus come around the corner and stops in front of them. Both the man and the woman get on but the bus begins to pull off just as Zell stands.)

Woman: (shouting out of her window) RUN, ZELL, RUN!

(Zell runs clumsily after the bus and then trips in falls in the middle of the street. A pickup truck about three blocks away suddenly accelerates and Seifer's insane face screams out of the driver's side window.)

Seifer: (shrieking) DIE, ZELL, DIE! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Zell: (screaming and throwing up his hands) No! Ma save me!

(The screen goes black just as the car hits him. A few words appear on the screen.)

Zell Dincht is Zell Dincht in Zell Dincht: Man of Boredom.

(new words)

Coming to a theater hopefully never.

  
**On with the show:**

Laguna: (walking down the hall towards the cabins) When we last left everyone Day One had just passed for our fourteen contestants. Let's see how they feel early this morning, shall we? (knocks in Seifer's door and it opens slightly)

Laguna: (sticking his head inside) Seifer? Can I have a few words this morning?

Seifer: (Mumbles something and rolls over. He notices he's not supposed to be in bed with anyone and immediately wakes up.) WHAT THE HELL?!

Rinoa: (mumbling and holding Seifer closer) Squall, just five m're minutes. Dun know why you get up so early anyway...

Seifer: (pushing her away) GET AWAY FROM ME!!

Laguna: This looks like a bad time.

Seifer: (sarcastically) Ya think?

Laguna: So I'll just come back in a few minutes. (he's forced to jump aside as Seifer picks up Rinoa and exits the room only to dumps her in front of Squall's cabin door)

Seifer: Puberty Boy! Something of yours was cuddling with me last night! I would appreciate it if you take her back now!

Squall: (muffled) That's okay, you can have her.

Seifer: (almost whining) But I don't want her!

Rinoa: (still asleep) Squall, you didn't know. You were drunk...

Seifer: (stopping with his mouth open) What did she say?!

Squall: (screaming but it's still muffled) NOOOOOOOO! (he yanks open the door and since Rinoa's against it, she falls over and cracks her head on the floor)

Rinoa: (waking up) What the hell just happened? Why am I out here in the hallway?

Seifer: (sweetly) Rinoa, dear, what did Squall do when he was drunk?

Rinoa: (just as sweetly) I can't tell you that, Squally-Poo made me promise.

Squall: (relieved) Thank Hyne.

Rinoa: (continuing) But if you do something for me, I'll tell you.

Squall: Huh?

Seifer: (very eager to hear) Yes, anything!

Rinoa: (grinning) Well...

  
(Scene: We see Rinoa making a purchase at the single clothing store aboard the ship. She hands the bag over to Seifer who, after looking inside, blushes heavily.)

Seifer: I can't wear this!

Rinoa: You will if you want to know what happened. (he sighs and finally nods) Good! Now, I'll be on the deck waiting for you.

Seifer: (regretting the whole thing) Sure Rinoa, whatever you say.

(Rinoa skips down the hall and into her cabin to change into her swimsuit and Seifer went into his cabin.)

Seifer: (muttering) This better be worth it.

(Five minutes goes by and suddenly there's a loud yell from inside his cabin.)

Seifer: I AM SO NOT WEARING THIS THING!

Rinoa: (calling from her room) You want to know, don't you?

(Another five minutes goes by and Seifer sticks his head around the door. Rinoa is standing in front of it.)

Rinoa: I wanted to see how you look.

Seifer: (stepping out into the hall and closing the door) Goddess, Rinoa. Why do you like these things so much?

Rinoa: (shrugging) Don't know but you look *really* sexy in it.

(Seifer has on a tiger print thong and that's basically it. Rinoa hands him a fan and a plastic container of grapes.)

Rinoa: This has been a fantasy of mine for a long time. Having a sexy man fanning me and feeding me grapes. Well you have more muscles than Squall so you look better in a thong than he would.

Seifer: (shuddering) Don't put that image into my mind! Please!

Rinoa: Well... (she reaches up and snaps a collar around his neck and then attaches a leash) Let's go.

Seifer: (protesting) You didn't say anything about this before!

Rinoa: You wanna find out or not?

Seifer: (growling) I want to know.

Rinoa: Then let's go!

  
(Scene: The pool. Raijin is trying to dunk everyone and Fujin is trying to drown him. Quistis is now reading a book and Xu and Squall are once again playing cards. Laguna is snoring in a chaise lounge. Rinoa comes into the area and everyone sees Seifer following her. Then they all burst into laughter.)

Xu: (whistling) You look good Seifer!

Squall: At least someone finally has you on a leash where you belong. (Seifer tries to lunge at him but Rinoa's yanks him back almost choking him to death.)

Raijin: Seifer! Your ass is showin', ya know?

Fujin: (smacks him) SUPPOSED TO SHOW. IDIOT.

Raijin: Oh. (eyes widen) OH!

Zell: (falling backwards into the pool) I'm blinded! Put it away!

(Selphie giggles and pinches Seifer on his ass as she passes by. Irvine rolls his eyes and follows her. Seifer's hands immediately goes to cover himself up.)

Seifer: Oh that's it. (Rinoa leads him over and forces him to kneel beside her) THIS IS IT!

Rinoa: (blinking) What? What's it?

Seifer: The Messenger Girl just pinched me on my ass you idiot! I know I'm fine and all but geez!

Rinoa: (scolding Selphie) I'm the only one allowed to touch him that way.

Selphie: Sure, Rinoa. Sorry.

Rinoa: But you may pat him on the head and give him a treat.

Seifer: I AM NOT A DOG!

Squall: You sure look like one.

Laguna: (wakes up and sees Seifer's ass.) What did I miss?! What did I miss?!

Kiros: (shaking his head at the madness) A lot.

Ward: ...

Laguna: Seifer is Rinoa's slave? (he runs over to Seifer, mike extended) A few words about how you feel.

Seifer: I just did this to find out what Squall did when he was drunk! Now Rinoa has me nearly naked and feeding her grapes! I really hate this. (he turns so that everyone at the pool can't see his ass)

Selphie and Girl From Library: (singing) Let me see that thong!

Irvine: (whining) Selphie! You're supposed to be *my* girlfriend!

Selphie: So what you're saying is that you can look at other women and I can't look at other men?

Irvine: (smiling) Exactly! Finally you know where I'm coming from.

Squall: And you're an idiot for saying that.

Selphie: YOU'RE AN IDIOT IRVINE!

Squall: (not even looking up) See, I told you. Xu, come on! You have to draw a card first.

Xu: These rules are stupid.

Squall: No they are not! See, once you draw a card you have to attach energy to your active Pokemon or benched Pokemon but you can attach only one energy card per turn. You can evolve a a Pokemon though.

Xu: You have to do a lot just to play a game of Pokemon, Squall.

Squall: I know but it's fun!

Xu: (in a bored voice) Fine. I drew a card, I attached water energy, I attacked your Ekans with my Rattata's Bite and did twenty damage. Your turn.

Squall: I drew a card, and used a potion on my Ekans to heal twenty hit points, then I attached grass energy and used Posion. Hey! Does anybody have a coin?

Seifer: Please just tell me now and spare this cruel torture! I know you're not evil!

Rinoa: Forget about being evil, I just like seeing you like that.

Zell: (shouting) Me too!

(Everyone turns to look at him with various expressions of surprise, disgust, and amusement. He realizes what that made him sound like and blushes.)

Zell: I meant I like seeing him in a collar and catering to Rinoa's every whim. Geez get your minds out of the gutter!

Fujin: DOES LOOK RIDICULOUS.

Seifer: (begging by now) Please! Please just tell me and stop this madness!

Rinoa: (ignoring him and talking to Nida) Then I told him that's not a gorilla it's his mother!

Nida: (laughing) You're really funny, Rinoa.

Squall: (shouting) You can't evolve a Pokemon when you just placed it on the bench!

Xu: (shouting even louder) THEN WHAT *CAN* I DO, SQUALL?!

Squall: (muttering) Forget it, this isn't working. We can go back to Triple Triad. (he gathers up all of his cards (he and Xu are playing from one deck) and puts them away. Then each of them take out a triple triad deck and draw their cards.)

Xu: Thank you. Goddess, Squall I have no idea why we can't play this all of the time.

Squall: Because I'm tired of it, that's why.

Laguna: (motioning Ward to move the camera over to the card game) How are you doing, son?

Squall: (automatic) Don't call me son.

Laguna: Riiiight. Anyway, do you think you're going to win this game?

Squall: I am the master of Triple Triad, Tetra Master, Pokemon, and poker. I. Will. Win.

Xu: So confident! (she places the last card into its spot and grins) I win.

Squall: (eyes wide) You did? (he checks, double checks, and even triple checks) You did!

Xu: (jumping to her feet and dancing) I beat Squall! I beat Squall! Yeah!

Squall: (sad) I feel like a failure.

Rinoa: (baby voice) Aw! Come over here and let Rin-Rin make you feel all better!

Squall: (in disgust) Ew! No!

Quistis: (closing her book) Well, I'm tired of this. Who wants to eat lunch?

Zell: (climbing out of the pool) I do! Lots of hotdogs!

Seifer: Me too. Anything to rid me of this nightmare. (he starts to go back to the room and change)

Rinoa: Where do you think you're going?

Seifer: I'm not eating a meal dressing in nothing more than something that resembles underwear! Besides, I have a really bad wedgie I need to correct. It's irritating me! (he begans to pick at his thong)

Irvine: Take that somewhere else Seifer!

Squall: We don't want to look at you dig in your ass while we eat.

Seifer: (begging) Please let me change Rinoa!

Rinoa: No I will not. Now come along, Seifey.

Seifer: Seifey?! (he groans) All this to find out how Squall humiliated himself while he was drunk.

Zell: Squall got drunk?

Quistis: When?

Rinoa: Oh it was about two weeks ago at a party in Timber I dragged him off to. That party was da bomb!

Zell: (eager for details) What happened?

Rinoa: Now I can't tell you that. Maybe when I'm done with Seifer at dinner tonight.

Squall: (hopeful) Can't we forget it ever happened?

Rinoa: Of course not! It was the most insane thing you've ever done! I brought some pictures with me, if ya'll wanna see.

Squall: You were *wating* for the time to tell everyone weren't you?!

Rinoa: (shakes her head) Nope. I just like bringing them with me because they crack me up.

Squall: You are a bitch, do you know that?

Rinoa: Sure I know and that's what you love about me.

Squall: I don't love you! Hell, I barely even like you. At first you were okay but then you got clingy and possessive. You wouldn't be someone I would marry, that's for sure.

Rinoa: (not paying attention) So Selphie, you want to feed him? He's a well-mannered slave boy and doesn't even bite.

Seifer: (glaring) Just try me. What Squall did better be worth all of his humiliation.

  
(Scene is dinner. Seifer has been following Rinoa all day and Cid and Edea finally show up. Seifer has his head in Rinoa's lap all through the meal (just like at lunch) and Rinoa occasionally pets him while she chats with everyone. Squall is sitting on her other side debating between murdering her and dumping the body overboard or casting silence on her. He's strongly leaning towards the former.)

Rinoa: (finishing her meal) Now the moment everyone's been waiting for!

Seifer: Yeah?

Rinoa: (reaching into her purse and pulling out some pictures) Let me tell you the story first. Two weeks ago one of my friends in Timber was throwing a wild party and everyone cool from both Deling City and Timber were going to be there. But it was definitely uncool if you didn't show up with a date. So I took Squall who sat by the punch bowl the entire night. The thing was he didn't know it was spiked so he kept drinking more and more of the stuff because it was making him extremely thirsty. (She showed up the first couple of pics in her stack (they're in order of how Squall progressed in his drunken state). There's Squall by the punch bowl with about seven cups next to him.) I was dancing for about twenty minutes and when I came back, Squall's eyes were all bloodshot. (she showed another picture) So I said, 'Squall? Are you okay?' and he looked at me and kept blinking because he couldn't focus his eyes right and said, 'Rinoa? Ish that you? Who'sh that other girl with you? I didn't know you had a twin!'.

(Everyone snickers at this and Squall's blush becomes even more pronounced.)

Rinoa: And so I told Squall not to drink anymore and went off to dance again when someone asked me.

Quistis: (frowning) You just left him there in his inebriated state? What sort of girlfriend are you?!

Squall: Not a very good one.

Seifer: Is that all he did? You made me do this for that?!

Rinoa: Uh *no*. Why do you think I have all these pictures left over? (Squall, fearing the story since he can't remember most of it, jumps up and leaves the buffet)

Irvine: Why did you have a camera again?

Rinoa: There's always someone acting stupid because they're drunk at a party. How was I supposed to know it would be Squall? Anyway, after I went back over to the punch bowl he was gone! So then I searched for him and found in my friend's dining room on the table stripping for everyone. (she showed the pic, they laughed) I tried to talk him down off the table but then he claimed he had Acrophobia and started screaming like a little girl. I had to get three huge men to pick him up and bring him down. Once he was on the ground he said he had to pee so I had to take him to the bathroom. Fifteen minutes later he was still in there and there was a heck of a long line outside. I opened the door to find him trying to get the toliet paper to stick to the ceiling like they tried to do in elementary school. (she showed a few more pictures) And that was just the beginning.

Seifer: (laughing so hard tears are running down his cheeks) This is *so* worth all of my humiliation!

Zell: Yeah I mean, Squall is a idiot when he's drunk.

Rinoa: Just wait until we started to go back to our hotel.

Seifer: What happened then?

Rinoa: In addition to conversating with the lamp posts Squall started to sing show tunes. I'm talking songs from all kinds of musicals: Rent, Annie, The Sound of Music. He was even dancing up and down the street. That is he *was* dancing until he slipped in a puddle and landed on his ass. (she showed both the before and after pictures) Then there was that tattoo parlor.

Squall: (yelling from outside) Don't tell that! Please don't!

Quistis: (slightly disapproving) Squall got a tattoo.

Rinoa: Yeah. (she has only two pictures left) Squally-poo got two tattoos, one one each ass cheek. One says, 'Rinoa's Love Slave' and the other... (pause) It says...

Seifer: (sensing it leads up to something great) Yes?

Rinoa: It says...

Seifer: YES?!

Rinoa: Seifer is the ultimate warrior. (she proves it by showing the last two pics)

(Huge gasp)

Seifer: You're kidding? (goofy smile) It says I'm the ultimate warrior huh. I'm so happy!

Squall: (hysterical) Why? Oh why did she have to do that to me?

Laguna: (shaking his head) And so ends the madness that is this episode. What will Squall and Rinoa do? Will they remain a couple or will Squall find someone who doesn't humiliate him in front of a lot of other people. What about Seifer? Is Rinoa ever going to leave him alone? Stay tuned to the answers to these (and never before seen cast interviews!) on the next Final Fantasy Love Cruise.


	3. Attack of the Sugar Bunnies

**Commercial:**

(Squall is in a kitchen with an apron on that reads 'The Surgeon General says kissing the cook is hazardous to your health' while Rinoa and the rest of the Sorceress Squad (plus Seifer, Fujin, and Raijin) are sitting hungry and bored in the living room. Quite suddenly Squall bursts into song.)

Squall: (singing his little heart out) Five pounds of chocobo sits in my fridge...

Everyone in the living room: (shouting) Squall! What's for dinner?!

Squall: (still singing) ...is the question I hear.

Laguna: (making an entrance on a golden chocobo and singing) Sir, have you tried Old El Esthar brand repast? Just several hours...

Squall: (angry) What are *you* doing here?

(All of the people in the living room run into the kitchen and begin to dance.)

Everyone: (except Squall) Boredom is banished with the first bite!

Squall: (singing but definitely not dancing *or* enjoying it) Thanks to that gaudy gold box.

Everyone: The box is a kit!

Squall: The kit is a hit.

Everyone: (even Squall & Laguna) For dinnertime fun Old El Esthar's the one!

 

**Now on with the third episode of Final Fantasy Love Cruise:**

Rinoa: (sitting in a chair in Laguna's cabin) Do I look okay, Laguna?

Laguna: (rolling his eyes) For the fifth time, yes! You look fine!

Rinoa: Great! Like they always say, the fifth time's the charm.

Laguna: (blinking in confusion) Don't you mean that the third time's the charm?

Rinoa: Not for me!

Laguna: Okay.... Anyway, since this is the end of the first week how do you feel? Do you like the show so far?

Rinoa: I think it's great! I get a well-earned vacation-

Laguna: Well-earned? What have you done in the past year besides eat, sleep, and attempt to seduce my son?

Rinoa: (twirling her hair around one finger) I learned to say the ABCs backwards and in three different languages. (sees Laguna staring at her in shock) I'm kidding! Can't you take a joke?

Kiros: (off to the side) Obviously not.

Ward: ...

Rinoa: I took classes at the Garden. I can't get into SeeD with me being a Sorceresss and all but I can improve my fighting skills and pick up some advanced math skills.

Laguna: Advanced, eh? What are you taking?

Rinoa: Interactive Mathmatics, course one. We left off at why you should always line up the decimal points in problems concerning money.

(Stunned silence)

Kiros: (slowly so that she could understand) Rinoa dear, that doesn't sound like an advanced class.

Rinoa: What do you mean?

Laguna: Decimal problems sound like grade school math to me. I think you're in a remedial class.

Rinoa: Remedial? But they said that we were intelligent and that all people have problems with math at some point.... (finally figuring it out) Oh. Can you *please* cut this out of the tape?

Laguna: You see that little red light on the television camera? (pointing)

Rinoa: Yeah?

Laguna: It means that we're on. Live. Twelve million people have just discovered that you're taking LD classes. How do you feel about that?

Rinoa: (angry) How do you think I feel about that? (wailing) Now everyone is going to be thinking that I'm stupid!

Kiros: (muttering sarcastically) As if they didn't think that already.

Rinoa: (jumping to her feet and running from the room) SQUALL!

(Outside Squall hears her coming and ducks around a corner just before she exits. He sighs in relief as she speeds past in the opposite direction and disappears into Laguna's cabin for his interview.)

Squall: Make this quick. I have a scheduled a card game with Xu in fifteen minutes.

Laguna: Is that all you do? Play cards?

Squall: (shrugging) Just something to do. Besides, Xu's so easy to beat I'm now aiming to acquire at least two of each Triple Triad Card. Zell's also pretty pathetic at it. Belive it or not, Matron's the best card player in the world.

Laguna: Have you seen Cid and Edea much on this trip? Everytime I want to interview them I can never find them.

Squall: (blushing very faintly) Have you tried their cabin? I don't want to think about what they could do in there but that would seem the most logical choice.

Laguna: Ah. I see. So Squall, what do you think of this trip so far?

Squall: I find that there are tons of places to hide from Rinoa on board. Seifer and I have actually become closer because of it.

Laguna: What do you mean?

Squall: Every day we share new places to hide from her. The girl needs to get a life.

Rinoa: (shrieking like Relena Peacecraft) SQUAAAAALL! Where are yooooou?! You can come out now Squaaaall! Oh Seifer!

Seifer: No! Let go of me! I am not your teddy bear! Someone get this crazy woman away from me!

Squall: (feeling sorry for Seifer) I have to go help. Rinoa's Stalked have to stick together you know.

Laguna: (in an completely unknowing tone of voice) Yeah. I know. Send in the next person.

Squall: Sure. Whatever. (flinging open the door) SEIFER! I'll get the tranquilizer darts! This time I'll knock her out for half a day!

(Selphie slips in before anyone else notices and shuts the door. Once free of Irvine she pulls out a paper bag filled with *something* and begans to pace rapidly around the room.)

Selphie: (very quickly) How ya doin', Sir Laguna! I'm fine! Isn't today a very great day?!

Laguna: (concerned) Selphie? Are you on something?

Selphie: Nope. I'm not doin' drugs or any of that icky mega bummer uncool illegial stuff. It's these things I found out that the ship's cook can make! (she held up a pink confection) They're called sugar bunnies and they're really, really, really, really-

Laguna: (trying to stop her) Selphie...

Selphie: (continuing) -really, really, really-

Laguna: SELPHIE!

Selphie: (still continuing) -really, really, good! Yep they sure are!

Laguna: (meaning the exact opposite) That's nice. Anyway Selphie, how are you enjoying the trip?

Selphie: The ship is great but my boyfriend Irvine is a big meanie! He never wants to do what I want to do but all he wants to do is look at other girls and flirt with them! Everytime I talk to him about that he says that he's gonna stop but I know he's lying 'cause I have spies all over this boat! They tell me he's making dates with these girls and I don't know how to stop him! (she stuffs five more sugar bunnies into her mouth and now begins to skip around the medium-sized cabin)

Laguna: There are six females on the boat, Selphie, not counting you. Which one do you think he wants?

Selphie: (sulking but still talking quickly) All of them! Irvine can't get enough of girls! But you know what? I've never seen him after Rinoa! I wonder why... Anyway, (beginning to speak even faster) IrvineisabigloserandI'mbeginningtoreallyhatehim!

Kiros: Selphie, Give. Me. That. Sugar.

Selphie: (hugging the bag close to her chest) NO! Don'ttakethemawayfromme! Ihaven'tdoneanythingwrong!

(Irvine opens the door and shakes his head sadly as his girlfriend.)

Irvine: Sephie, c'mon. Give Kiros the sugar.

Selphie: (dramatically) NEVER! YOU'LL NEVER GET THEM AS LONG AS I LIVE! (she ducks behind Irivine and runs from the room shouting) LARGO VIVO LOS AZÚCAR CONEJITOS¹!

Irvine: (sighing and following) I hate it when she gets bilingual.

(Laguna peeks out into the hallway and saw that everyone else had gotten tired of waiting for their turn and left. Edea comes down the hallway and Laguna's smiled at her.)

Laguna: (happily) Just the person I want to see! Do you want to do your interview now?

Edea: (smiling) Why not? Cid is busy at the moment and I would be bored by myself.

Laguna: Good! You can have a seat in that chair and we can get started. Edea, where are you and Cid? No one seems to be able to locate you all that much.

Edea: (blushing) It's a *long* story that I'm sure everyone out there at home doesn't want to hear.

Laguna: You're much too modest. You and I both know that most of these people don't have lives.

Edea: Cid and I haven't been spending much time together lately because he's always busy at Balamb Garden. I became a teacher so that I would have something to do but running a school is *very* hard work and I can't ask Squall to help. He needs to find himself.

Kiros: That's an excuse.

Edea: Excuse me?

Kiros: Does Squall look like he's lost to you? He has friends, he has fun, sort of, and he's a SeeD. That's not the reason.

Edea: Squall has had a very tough life.

Kiros: That's still not the reason.

Edea: (exhaling noisily) I don't think Squall can handle the responsibility. Sure, he's a very good SeeD but Squall is only good at taking orders, not giving them. He'll make a good subordinate but not a leader.

Laguna: (butting in) Yet Cid made him the Commander of Balamb Garden. Was that the wisest move he could have made?

Edea: At the time I thought that it may help Squall find his center. It's good that he's able to follow instructions to the letter but that's not all he should be good at. He led the SeeD's, Rinoa, and Irvine to victory against Sorceress Ultimecia but that may have been just a fluke.

(Before they could finish the interview, the door bangs open and Zell stands in the doorway with a pair of pink panties on his head.)

Zell: (shouting) PARTY ON THE DECK! (he grins and continues to run down the hallway)

Laguna: (running after Zell) I'm in! Don't leave me here! I want to get my groove on!

Kiros: There goes the world's oldest teenager. I better go after him for damage control.

Ward: ...

Kiros: (sighing) Hangover tomorrow? Count on it.

  
(Scene opens on the deck where a semi-drunk Zell is trying to dance with every female out there. Selphie is trying to stay away from Irvine and eat her candy while Rinoa is pursuing both Squall and Seifer. The girl from the library decided to give Zell one more chance and is currently dancing with Zell.)

Zell: (shouting) The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire!

GFL, Quistis, Laguna, Nida, Xu, and Raijin: We don't need no water!

Zell: Let the-

Cid: (interrupting with a frown) Don't even say it.

Zell: -burn.

Selphie: Zell! Since you're my super duper mega cool best-friend I'm gonna let you eat some of my ultra cool sugar bunnies! (she holds the bag out to him) Ya want some?

Zell: (excitedly) Thanks Selphie! (he grabs a whole hand full)

Irvine: (wailing in horror at the madness to come) Oh Goddess no!

Zell: (at the top of his voice) THANKS MY ULTRA COOL BEST-FRIEND SELPHIE!

Selphie: YOU'RE WELCOME MY ULTRA COOL BEST-FRIEND ZELL!

Zell: (beginning to bounce in place) YawannadanceSelphie?

Selphie: (also beginning to bounce in place) OfcourseIdoZell!

Squall: (getting desperate) Look Rinoa! There's your mother!

Rinoa: (falling for it) Where? Mommy!

Squall: (grabbing Seifer's hand) C'mon! I found a new hiding place in the hold.

(They run to the stairs before Rinoa turns around.)

Rinoa: (noticing her objects of adoration were gone) Seifer? Squall? Where are you guys?

Selphie: Rinoa! Theyescapeddownthestairs!

Zell: YEAH! THEY ESCAPED!

Nida: (shyly to Edea) Um Mrs. Kramer, will you dance with me?

Edea: (smiling and taking his head) Of course, Nida.

Xu: (shouting to him and a little tipsy) You'll hit on anything female won't you?

Selphie: (shouting) NO! THAT'S IRVINE!

Irvine: Excuse me? I do not hit on every single female I meet! (A cleaning woman begans to pick up the many discarded paper cups from the deck. Irvine makes his way over and give her a big grin.) How ya doin'?

Selphie: ARGH! (she grabs Zell's hand) C'MON ZELL! LET'S GET DRUNK NOW!

Zell: (slightly dazed) But I'm already drunk... (she drags him off anyway and Ward turns the camera to Quistis who is leaning against the railing)

Quistis: Can you please get that thing off of me? I'm dateless and not drunk so therefore I'm not interesting.

Raijin: Quisty? (she raises her eyebrow at the nickname) What's wrong?

Quistis: This is definitely not my kind of party. I'm more of a formal wine and dine type of person.

Raijin: You need to loosen up some! (he grins) Look at Fuj, she's loose.

Fujin: (glaring at him) If you don't shut up I will throw you over the side.

Raijin: Ya see? She's speaking in full sentences!

Fujin: (kicking him in the shin) RAGE! RAIJIN DIE! (she continues to kick him until Raijin runs away)

Quistis: (calling after him) Well that didn't last long!

  
Will Rinoa ever catch up to Squall and Seifer? Will Quistis learn how to act nineteen instead of forty-five? What about Nida? Will he ever get a girl? And Selphie and Zell? Will they come down from their sugar highs? The answers to these questions and more on the next *very* exciting episode of Final Fantasy Love Cruise!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ¹Spanish for: Long live the Sugar Bunnies!


	4. Betting Games

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know when I said that there were four people older than eighteen in the beginning (Quistis, Seifer, Cid, & Edea)? Well I forgot about Xu. Let's just say that she's a year older than Quistis & Seifer which puts her at twenty.

**Commercial:**

(Zell's running down a busy street with his hands in front of him as if gripping a steering wheel and making car noises. There's a bumper sticker on his butt that reads 'Honk if you like to party'. He stops behind another car and waits a moment but when the light turns green the car still sat there.)

Zell: (shouting) Hey! Move it buddy! BEEP! BEEP!

Voice: Has your car insurance been cancelled because you can't pay for it?

Zell: (nodding) Of course it has. I wouldn't be making an ass of myself otherwise.

Voice: Then call 1-800-861-8380. Geico can save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance and you can drive your car again.

(Zell pulls up to a house and pretends to park. Then he calls for his date at the top of his voice.)

Zell: Melissa! Come on out or we'll be late for the movie!

Melissa: (looking out the window on the second floor) Are you insane? I'm not going anywhere with a man who's driving himself down the road!

Voice: Call or visit our website at www.geico.com.You won't regret it.

 

Now, on on with the show!

(Scene: It's the hallway between Seifer and Squall's rooms. Some terrible yelling is coming from inside Squall and Rinoa's cabin and Seifer's door is cracked slightly to allow his head to stick through.)

Rinoa: (grunting with some great effort) Squall! Get out of there! I won't bite!

Squall: NO I WILL NOT!

Seifer: (stepping out into the hall way in just a pair of boxers and knocking on their door) What the hell is going on in there? Don't you know people are still sleeping at this time of morning?!

Squall: (still yelling) SEIFER HELP ME!

(Seifer turned the doorknob and found the door locked. Then he rammed against the door with his shoulder and it still didn't come open. Finally he crossed the hallway, gained some speed, and ran at the door. Rinoa opened it from the other side and Seifer ran through the doorway and thudded against the wall across the room.)

Seifer: (lying dazed on the floor) Squall, the crap I go through to help you out.

Rinoa: He's going with me to the pool and nothing you can do will change that!

Seifer: (rising to his feet) Now you're supposed to laugh.

Rinoa: Huh?

Seifer: Like this. MWHAHAHAHAHA!

Rinoa: (blinking) Seifer, were you dropped on your head as a child?

Squall: (shouting) Hello? I'm still here and in need of assistance!

Seifer: (grabbing Rinoa around her waist) Oh right!

Rinoa: (blushing) Seifer! This is just so... so sudden!

Seifer: (literally dropping her in the hallway and slamming the door shut) Goodbye! (then he locks it)

Rinoa: (wailing and pounding on the door with her fists) SEIFER! SQUALL! LET ME BACK IN!

(She falls silent for a moment and Seifer thinks that she's gone.)

Seifer: Well, Squall-

Rinoa: I'm gonna tell everyone that you locked me out of the room so that you two could have some time alone!

Squall: (jerking open the bathroom door) WHAT?! NO!

(Squall runs to the cabin door screaming at Rinoa.)

Seifer: You act like I've got the plague or something! Don't insult me like this!

Squall: (opening the door and running after Rinoa) You're a guy!

Seifer: (running after him) But I'm a *cute* guy!

  
(Scene: Edea and Cid's room. Cid is writing something on a pad while Edea is choosing a dress from the closet.)

Edea: Cid are you going to come above deck with me? They're asking for you.

Cid: (muttering) In a moment, dear, I have to take care of this before those idiots at Garden screw things up.

Edea: (rolling her eyes) The only way you're going to get that to them is a carrier pigeon.

Cid: (grinning) That's where you're wrong. (he takes a GF orb from his pocket and holds it up so that it catches the sunlight from outside) I borrowed this from Squall before this cruise began. Quetzacoatl I summon you.

(The mighty god of thunder exploded like a bolt of lightening through the small porthole in the cabin. After sealing the letter into an envelope, addressing it, and stamping it with his special seal he handed it to Quetzacoatl who did whatever it was that he did with it. Then the guardian force flew off over the ocean.)

Cid: (turning back around) You see, Edea? Everything's taken care of? (While he was busy having his letter delievered, Edea disappeared.) Ah damn. Now I'm going to have to make it up to her tonight.

  
(Scene: the bar. Quistis is idly stirring a drink while Selphie and Zell have their heads down on the table and moaning in pain.)

Selphie: I will never, ever, EVER get a sugar rush and a hangover at the same time.

Zell: (groaning) Ugh.

Rinoa: (entering the room cheerfully and holding a bag) GOOD MORNING EVERYONE!

Selphie: (glaring at her) Can't you be just a tiny bit quieter?

Rinoa: (smiling sweetly and holding the bag behind her back) Guess what I have guys!

Selphie: If it isn't aspirin I don't want it.

Zell: (blinking blurrily at her) Go 'way.

Rinoa: (in a sing-song voice) It'll make the pain go away....

(Both Zell and Selphie looked at her at the same time)

Zell & Selphie: (in unison) What is it?

Rinoa: (she opened the bag and reached her hand inside) Tootsie Roll Pops!

Selphie: More sugar?! Haven't you been listening to us moan in pain for the past five minutes?

Rinoa: Listen, guys. If you have a hangover what do you do?

Zell: Kill yourself?

Rinoa: (making a buzzer noise) Wrong! You drink even more alcohol. When you love sugar as much as you two guys do then you become addicts. The only way to make the pain go away is to get more.

Zell: Do you know how stupid that sounds?

Quistis: (getting an idea) Now wait a minute. Rinoa may actually have a point here.

Rinoa: (brightening) You really think so, Quisty?

Quistis: (smirking slightly) Of course I do. Now all you two need to do is consume as much sugar as you can. Eventually the pain will go away.

Selphie: Give 'em here then! (she snatches the bag away) I claim blueberry and cherry!

Zell: (whining) That's not fair! I wanted cherry!

Selphie: You can have orange and chocolate.

Zell: But I don't like chocolate.

Selphie: Well neither do I!

Rinoa: (taking the bag from Selphie) I'll get the chocolate ones then. Maybe I can share them with Squall.

Quistis: (rolling her eyes) I'd like to see you try.

Rinoa: (getting angry) Just when I thought you were my friend here you go again!

Quistis: I bet you twenty gil that you can't seduce Squall tonight.

Rinoa: Oh? I bet you the same amount that *you* can't seduce Squall tonight!

Zell: I want in! This is gonna be good!

Irvine: (entering the bar) What's gonna be good? (Edea, Raijin, Fujin, and the girl from the library enters)

Selphie: Quistis and Rinoa are having a competition to see who can seduce Squall first. I'm putting my money on Quistis.

Zell: Me too.

(Irvine and Fujin also bet on Quistis.)

Rinoa: (pouting) What about me? Who's going to bet on me?

Edea: (feeling sorry for her) I'll be happy to place my money on you, Rinoa.

Raijin: Yeah! Me too, ya know.

GFL: (joining in) You might win after all.

(Selphie unwraps a blueberry tootsie roll pop and sighs as she tastes the sugar)

Selphie: I think it's working already. Hey Zell, how many licks do you think it'll take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?

Zell: (shrugging and unwrapping one of his own) I have no idea. Why don't you ask Rinoa?

Selphie: Rinoa, how many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?

Rinoa: (scribbing something down on a napkin) I don't have time for games right now, Selphie. I have to plan my conquest!

Irvine: I think one-hundred, Sephie.

Selphie: (smiling around her sucker) Would you be willing to place money on it?

Irvine: Sure, why not. I bet five gil that it takes one-hundred licks to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop.

Seifer: (strolling in and taking a seat) What's going on here?

Zell: (removing is tootsie pop for a moment) Rinoa and Quistis are trying to seduce Squall, we made bets on that one.

Seifer: How much?

Zell: Twenty gil. We're also betting five gil on how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop.

Seifer: My money goes on Quistis and I think it takes two-hundred licks.

Raijin: One-thousand!

Fujin: (snorting at Raijin's bet) ONE SEVENTY-FIVE.

Zell: Four-hundred twenty.

Squall: (entering with Cid) What's going on here? (Laguna and his crew are right behind them)

Zell: We just bet that Quistis and Rinoa- (both girls cover up his mouth)

Rinoa & Quistis: (in unison) Nothing!

Irvine: We *really* bet on how many licks it will take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop. I said one-hundred. Do you want in?

Squall: Why not? I say two-hundred fifty-five.

Selphie: We're going to see for real after Zell and I finish these we have now.

Rinoa: (pushing past all of the people) Well I have a mission. See you guys later.

Quistis: (downing the last of her drink) Me too. See you later Squall.

Squall: (after the two girls are gone) What's going on with them?

Irvine: Absolutely, positively, nothing Squall my man. What do you say we head off to the pool?

(Nida and Xu, who are just close friends, enter together. Squall immediately spots Xu and brings out his cards.)

Xu: (groaning) Goddess Squall! Not again! (she practically runs out of the bar)

Squall: (running after her) Come on! One game of Triple Triad!

Seifer: (shaking his head) Squall is so pathetic.

Zell: (not really listening) How pathetic is he?

Seifer: It wasn't a joke, Chickenwuss.

Irvine: (taking over) Squall's so pathetic that he can't tell when a girl is hitting on him.

(Crickets chirp)

Seifer: (smirking at Irvine as he leaves the bar) That's why you should leave the joke telling to the professionals, Wannabe Cowboy.

Cid: Edea and I will count how many licks you two take. Don't suck on the thing, alright?

Selphie: I'll try but I always end up forgetting. (she tosses the clean stick and picks out a cherry tootsie pop this time)

Edea: (waiting a second for Zell) Ready! Set! Go!

  
(Scene: the pool. Rinoa and Quistis vanished to get their plans ready and Squall had cornered Xu at the stern by the railing.)

Xu: I refuse to play cards with you Squall!

Squall: (practically begging) Please! Pretty please with sugar on top!

Xu: (sighing) Fine. (she takes cards and then throws them into the water)

Squall: (screaming) NOOOOOO! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT FOR?! (he quickly climbs the railing) I will never be apart from you! Squally's coming for you! (he jumps out into the water)

Xu: (shouting in disbelief) You idiot! What did you do that for?!

(Everyone runs to the railing)

Laguna: What happened? (he sees Squall) Son! Are you okay? Did this girl push you over in an attempt to take your life?

Xu: (blinking in shock) *What*? This idiot jumped over the side because I threw his stupid Triple Triad cards into the water.

(She grabs the flotation device that's attacted by a rope and tosses it out to him. By this time he's got all his cards and he gladly grabs it. Laguna, Xu, and Ward haul him in.)

Xu: What's wrong with you?!

Squall: (trying vainly to dry his cards) Do you know how long it took me to collect all of these cards? The only way these babies are leaving my sight is if I die. Do you got that?

Xu: (turning towards the Laguna) Does this ship have a shrink?

Laguna: I think so. Why?

Xu: Squall here needs to visit him right away! (she grabs Squall's wet arm) Here we go, Squall. Off to see the nice doctor.

Squall: I'm not crazy!

Xu: Sure you're not. No one thinks you are.

  
(Scene: the pool later that evening. The time has come for Quistis and Rinoa to try and seduce Squall. Everyone is relaxing except Raijin and Zell who are swimming laps. Rinoa slowly walks toward Squall with only trench coat on.)

Irvine: (excitedly) Is it starting?

Seifer: Yep. It sure is!

(Rinoa sits in Squall's lap and he blinks at her in confusion)

Squall: What do you want, Rinoa?

Rinoa: (in a low voice) I want you, Squally.

Squall: (blushing faintly as her trench gapes) Uh...

Rinoa: (wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing his neck) I. Want. You. Squall.

Squall: (blushing bright red and jumping to his feet) I can't do that with you, Rinoa!

Rinoa: (from the ground) What do you mean? You need Viagra or something?

Squall: No I can't because I don't know where you've been. I don't want to catch nothin' from you!

(Everyone bursts into laughter except Rinoa of course)

Rinoa: (wailing) I don't have a disease!

Squall: How do *I* know that?

(Rinoa continues to scream while Quistis comes out with her normal pink dress on. She doesn't have anything special in sight.)

Quistis: How are you doing this evening, Squall? (she takes the empty seat beside him)

Squall: (no longer feeling threatened) I'm fine, Quisty. How are you?

Quistis: (pulling something in plastic from her pocket) Look what I have...

Squall: (awed) A first edition, holographic, Japanese Charizard! Can I touch it?

Quistis: (waving it in front of his face) I have something a lot better. I'll let you have it if you do something for me....

Squall: (gazing at the card with wide eyes) Anything!

Quistis: Come and be with me tonight and in the morning you can have this card.

(Squall jumps to his feet and grabs Quistis in a hug)

Squall: I love you! Do you know that?

Quistis: (smirking in Rinoa's direction) Yes, of course. (she puts an arm around his waist) Come along Squall.

(There's silence as the two walk away)

Irvine: That was different.

Cid: Yes, but it worked.

Seifer: (eyes widening) Hey! Where am I supposed to sleep tonight?

Rinoa: (suddenly wrapped around Seifer) There's always room in my bed!

Seifer: (screaming) NOOOOOOO!

  
Laguna: How did Squall's therapy turn out? Will Quistis and Squall really have sex? What about Seifer? Will he survive Rinoa's attentions? How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop? Stay tuned for the next very exciting episode of Final Fantasy Love Cruise!


End file.
